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Showing posts with label Email. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Email. Show all posts
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// By Jonathan

The thing is, I'm not a cynic. I look for the positive. I take things at face value. Above all, I trust. But today I got an email that made me rethink all that. Or, at the very least, it made me delete my Friend's Reunited account. I had an email telling me I had a message from an old school 'friend'. For purposes of this post, let's call her Lucy. Now Lucy and I were never really friends. We were in the same class and I think we may have sat next to each other in Art or Science or something, but that was as close as we ever got. In hindsight, given that I am now with someone I truly adore, I am delighted, but I'd be lying if I said that at the age of ten I didn't like her. Quite why I liked her I can't remember now. I don't remember her making me laugh and by all accounts she wasn't much to write home about in the looks department either. But then again, neither was I. My plastic spectacles the only thing taking attention away from my schoolboy fringe. Somehow, in some way though, I did fancy her. And somehow, in some way, the whole class found out. Maybe I was naive, but the day she asked me what shampoo I used was the day I went home a very happy boy. I liked a girl and she appreciated my taste in hair cleaning products. When you're ten that is the kind of thing that gets you through your homework. Well it did me anyway. I suspect I was buoyant as I made my way to school the next day. Maybe this day was the day I'd get myself a girlfriend? It wasn't. I had been set up. Lucy wasn't interested in me. Or my hair. She was playing to the class. Pretending to be interested in me. I was mocked. You would think I would have felt humiliated. But I don't remember that being the case. I think I just laughed it off and went back to the playground to play cricket. Inside though, I must have been hurting. Because I never forgave her. Not that she ever asked for forgiveness. Or apologised. That is, until today. In her email, she writes:

"Do you remember when we played that game and I pretended to fancy you? Sorry."

Now, maybe she means it. I don't know. Do you feel a pang of regret 17 years on from something you did at school and try and rectify it? Perhaps some people do. Unfortunately, the rest of Lucy's email is quite complimentary. I say unfortunately, because it is this that leads me to be cynical. Lucy mentions a few things she has read about me. She says she's read a few things I've written. And she says she likes it all. Words to that effect anyway. And then she asks me if I can use the audience I have (she really needs to check the recent stats for this blog) and plug her JustGiving page.

That's when I delete the email and then delete my Friend's Reunited profile. I'll stick with my real friends on Facebook and Twitter I think.
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// By Jonathan

If you can think back to 2009, you may remember that I had a burgeoning relationship with a young lady from Sudan called Julia John. Yes, she was the one who wanted to come and live with me and give me lots of money. Then she dumped me. Cow. Well it turns out that she must still have a place for me in her heart because today I received this. It's uncanny.

Hello Dear

Did Julia John not tell you? It's Dear Jon or Dear Mr Lee. Forgetting the name is particularly damaging to my ego. A less secure man may think you're sending this to all the boys.

I presume this letter will come to you as a surprise, but as things unfold, we will know each other better, I apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a Certified mail/Post-mail. This is due to the urgency and importance of the information.

And the fact that you don't have my Certified mail/Post-mail address. Which I assume is some fancy description for my address? You are right though. This letter does come to me as a surprise. But also a disappointment. I have run out of enlargement pills and am looking for offers.

This project is based on Trust, confidentiality and sincerity of purpose in order to have an acceptable meeting of the minds. I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret it. I also know you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of us.

Right, firstly I am concerned about this being called a 'project'. That smacks of hard work to me. I don't have the time for hard work. I have blogs to write and cricket to watch and sleep to sleep. I am also a little perplexed by your use of a capital 'T' in the word trust. Is Trust a place? Do I need to go there? Are you coming? I can't do Friday. There are also many ways of having an acceptable meeting of minds. I prefer the method by which I say something and you nod. Rest assured I shall not betray this trust, but you need to be aware that I do expose myself on occasions. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it.

My name is Eliza Batista Tagme Na Waie a 23 years old female from the Republic of Guinea Bissau, the daughter of Late General Batista Tagme Na Waie. My late father was the chief of staff of the army of Guinea-Bissau. On March 1, 2009, My late father was killed in a bomb attack when the military's headquarters were attacked. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target. You can read more about my father in the bbc link below. http://www.welt.de/english-news/article3300063/General-Na-Wai-killed-in-government-building-attack.html or http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7918792.stm

I am pleased to meet your acquaintance Eliza Batista Tagme Na Waie. That's quite a mouthful. One day you may say that to me. With all due respect your father sounds like he got what he deserved. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but he had been sleeping around. Do you know how many of his daughters are sending emails like this? A lot. A lot. I suspect this is why he was killed. Probably by your mother. Or her mother. Or hers. Or hers. Or hers. You get the idea. He was a slut.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 4.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin.

I think you need to look on the bright side of life a bit more. Yes your stepmother slapped you around a bit and she stole your international passport, but so what? You have a file, a domestic passport and US$4.7 Million. That's pretty good going for 23 years of age. Do you know how useful a file can be? Incidentally, my ex, Julia John also stayed in the Mission in Burkino Faso. I have often wondered if she's still there. Perhaps you could go and look for me? I just want to know that she is still miserable and lonely. Thanks.

I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Quite why you felt it necessary to contact Bank is beyond me. It really is the most complex of tube stations. You really should have started with Sloane Square. But I admire your Dunkirk spirit. Which Branch Manager was it anyway? I am very good friends with the Bakerloo Branch Manager. He lets me play with his train set on Sundays. He even shuts down the entire line for me. Anyway, I digress. I note you need a trustee who will stand for you. May I ask, do you have no legs or are you just very fat? The answer to this question will determine whether I help you or not. I need to work out how hard it would be for me to run away from you.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

You're quite a confident girl. I like that. Though I imagine when we meet I may go a bit quiet and ignore you. This is nothing personal. I just have a fascination with walls. I really must point out though, that at no point did I indicate my interest in helping you. You sent me the email. So stop trying to twist everything and make me seem like the the desperate one. I am not. Though I am interested in the money so I'll help. However, for what you want me to do, I really feel I am worth more than 20%. You are coming to live with me after all. I need at least 75%. Any less and we'll have to leave Fulham for Hammersmith. This would not be healthy. As for investing in profitable ventures of my choice, well my choice is films about buses. Rock on.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

I look forward to hearing from you. I am very excited about us. What details are you going to give me? Do you have a photo? Or an Oyster card? Where do you keep your Oyster card? Do you like Oysters? I quite like jam now. Strawberry. Oh, we are going to have so much fun.

Yours sincerely,
Eliza Batista Tagme.


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// By Jonathan

This probably won't make sense until you have read Part One and Part Two.

I'm getting worried. It's been nearly 48 hours. Surely Julia would have been in touch by now. She has never left it this long before. Is she playing hard to get? Has she gone off me? Has she gone looking for chops? So many questions. So few answers.

It's not the first time a girl has left me hanging, so I can cope. It's just I thought she was the one, you know. The special one. Her timing was right. Her ambition was right. Her money was right. I couldn't have asked for much more. I don't want to lose her. Not after we became so close. Maybe I'll have to go and find her. As Rick Astley said, 'Don't stop me falling, it's destiny calling, a power I just can't deny. It's never changing, can't you hear me, I'm saying, I want you for the rest of my life'.
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The Dear Jon Letter (Sudanese Version) Part Two
// By Jonathan

This probably won't make sense unless you've read Part One.

My Dear Jon,

   

Many thanks for your quick response. I have accepted your offer. 


It bodes well that speed impresses you. I knew you'd see sense girl. Although, I must tell you that during the night I decided that to invest 20% in a tea plantation was probably not the wisest move I have ever made, so instead I am going to open my own Blockbuster Video store. I trust this is still okay?


I need your help to stand as my trustee for transferring the money to your bank acount for investment project.  As I told you in my earlier mail, I am staying in the mission and I haven't a personal telephone to be reached but if you wish to hear my sweet voice, you can reach me through the office telephone number of the Mission co-ordinator office. His name is Rev. Fr. Agustin Fawah and his office telephone number is +22678445168. If you call tell him that you want to speak with Julia John Garang am staying in Block 17C female hostel.


That's lovely stuff. I'll give you a bell tonight depending on what time I get back from my run. Is his surname pronounced for-war or for-ar? I can not believe you are staying in block 17C! Do you know Dolly Roger Parton?! She and I go way back. If you find her she'll probably give you my bank details as I gave them to her last year. Just waiting for her to transfer the $7.3 million into my account. Oh, and give me the rest of my money back. Silly woman took it out by mistake. Can you believe it?! Don't worry though. I will spend this money on you.


The reason while I ask you to contact the bank as my trustee is because I have contacted the bank on my arrival to clear the money but the branch manager of the bank whom I met in person told me that my status as a refugee does not authorize me to transfer the money. He advised me to seek for some one who will represent me and transfer the money into his or her bank account. 


Yes, we've been through this before. Don't you remember? You told me you wanted to amputate one of his legs and I said give him a slap in the chops.? Have you found the chops yet? I am afraid I will not be able to go on until you have found the chops.


I wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but am afriad that she will not release the money to me after clearing the money because after the death of my parent she and my uncle arrange seceretly and sold my father's estate in Monaco. 


Ah, that's too bad. Did your fathers estate have a good view of the Grand Prix circuit? Never fear young lady, when I have all your money we can buy a boat and go and park next to David Coulthard. You'll like him.


They shared the money among themselves and when I confronted them my uncle told me that the tradition and custom of our land does not entitle me to share assets of my father as a single young girl. Ever then they have been maltreating me and even made arrangement to assassinate me because of the demand for my share of the money from the sales of the hotel.


I thought you lived in an orphanage? Do your stepmother and uncle make special trips to maltreat you? My advice would be to lower your demand for the share of the hotel (not sure where this hotel has just popped up from mind you but that is hardly critical at this stage, there is a young girl's life at stake - yours). I should probably warn you that there is a sniper behind you on the left. That's right, the funny looking guy in Starbucks.


I want you to help me because you are God sent and you will never regret for helping me.


No I'm not. You googled me. And don't be so arrogant. Your tea-making abilities will determine whether I regret it or not.


Please send me your full contact information which include: 


Your full name:

Contact address: 

Telephone numbers to be reached:

Your age:

Your Occupation:

Marital Status:

Your Nationality

Your photos to see you:


I've left all this information in a brown envelope with your name on the front. You will find it if you follow these simple instructions. Turn left, right, left, left, left again, now right and right again. Bend over. Smile. Think of Burkina Faso. Slide your right arm under the rug of mystery and pull hard. I hope the photos are okay and not to racy for a young girl's eyes. I took the liberty of signing a couple. Please pin them up around your dorm. 


As soon as I receive the above information,  I will give you the contact of the bank were my father deposited the money. And you will contact the bank as my trustee and ask them to transfer the money into your bank account for investment project. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send some amount to me to process my traveling documents which I will use to come and settle in your country and further my academic studies.


I shall. But I am afraid I will not be paying for your travel documents. You must pay for these by yourself. How will you ever stand on your own two feet if I pay for everything? And nor will you be furthering your academic studies here. You will be working in Pizza Hut. Which actually is just as good an education.


Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply.  Below are my detail and photos.


Very nice. Are you sure you are 24 though? You look about 14. And are you pregnant?


Yours truly,

Julia. 

 

My full name:  Julia John Garang

Contact address:  Female Block C17, All Saints Mission, 09 BP 5251101 Ouahigouya 09, Burkina Faso.

Telephone numbers to be reached: (+226) 78445168  It is the mission ofiice telephone incase if you call tell tell Reverend Agustin Fawah you want to speak with me.

My age: 24

Occupation: Student

Marital Status: Single

My Nationality: Sudanese

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// By Jonathan

Hello Dear 

You mean Hello Jon or Dear Mr. Lee.
 
I know this mail will come to you as a surprise since we haven't known or come across each other before considering the fact that I sourced your email contact through the Internet in search of trusted person who can assist me.

Correct, this mail did come as a surprise. Especially to this email address as it's quite new. It'd be a lot quicker if you said you googled me than all of that sourcing Internet stuff. Good to know I pop up as a trusted person though.
 
I am Julia John Garang 24 years old female from the Republic of Sudan, the Daughter of Late Dr. John Garang. My late father was a strong opposition for over 20years until he was appointed the vice president on the 9th of July 2005 by the United Nations Peace Team as an avenue to quench the 20years civil war in Sudan. He died on the 31st of July 2005 following a helicopter crash alongside with 12 others just 22days after his appointment as the vice president. What led to the helicopter crash is still unclear but I know that my father was the target.  You can read more about my father in the link below. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/ africa/2134220.stm.

You do know you have a male middle name don't you? What was your late father a strong opposition to exactly? Turning up early? Thank you very much for the link. In return may I offer you this one? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Garang You'll recognise this as being your Dad. I just wanted to make you aware of the paragraph near the bottom of the article. I assume you are aware of these scam emails and are taking appropriate action?

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. 

Basically, what you are saying is that you want a boyfriend. Is that it? While I can understand why I would be your first choice I am not an advocate of email dating. I much prefer to use twitter. And I should say that I invest most of my money in tea-bags and sporting items. This I fear would not give you the return you are looking for. But the good news is that I too am seeking a long term relationship and investment assistance.

My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 8.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Can I ask what sort of operation it was you were planning to perform on your bank manager? If it was amputation then he is correct. Local law does not authorise you to do this. May I suggest you give him a slap on the chops? Or if he hasn't got any chops a Chinese burn will do. Maybe if you tidied your room more often your step-mother would be more friendly towards you. Something to think about.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you.

So you've heard my flatmate has moved to Worthing then? Fair play. I admire anyone who does their research properly.

As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment.

I assure you it was not I that indicated any interest in helping you. Must have been a Jonathan Lee from Korea. But that is by the by. The bottom line is that I am interested. But I want more than 20%. I want 80%. The rest will be invested in a tea plantation in China at which you shall work without complaint. You can come back for weekends though.

Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

Are you sure this MSN account is safe? I would much prefer to correspond Gmail to Gmail.
 
Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

You have my acceptance. Show me the money. Show me the money baby. (Have you watched Jerry Maguire? If not we can do that on your first night before we consummate our relationship the next day during the lunch break at the cricket).
 
Yours sincerely
Julia Garang
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