Jolly Interesting Stuff™

Today, much to my embarrassment, I visited what can only be described as a pornographic website. I know this because, although I didn't stay on the page for long, I caught glimpse of the title, 'Hot, Wet & Willing', and a lady with none too many clothes on. She also had a sponge. To be fair to the lady, she was taking the sensible course of action. If you are hot, taking your top off has to be a good idea. Sponging yourself down with a soapy sponge is also to be applauded. But not when you are being snapped for a website that I am going to click on in an internet cafe.

I have never experienced such a scenario before. Having the internet at home (and a door), means that I never find the need to go to an internet cafe. But today was different. I needed to check my emails. I am expecting something very important. Sadly, upon opening my inbox, the very important something I am expecting wasn't there. With ten minutes still to use of my paid-for internet time, I headed over to my twitter account. I am sure you are aware that last night a dust storm hit Sydney. There are some great pictures out there. All orangey in colour. This is really when twitter comes into its own. It allows me (and you) to look at what people in Sydney are saying and allows us to look at their photos. That is exactly what I wanted to to. A simple click of the button lets me see all the Sydney-siders, many of them were linking to their photos. I clicked on a few. They were good. Then I clicked on another one. This is when I saw, 'Hot, Wet & Willing'. Some very clever person had written, '#Sydney. Look at my pics. (weblink)'. I was always going to click wasn't I?

I sat there for a few seconds, terrified of looking around. Had anyone seen me? I could feel the blood rushing to my face and a trickle of sweat running down my arm. Maybe if I just sat here for an hour, everyone would leave? I tried to pretend that nothing had happened. I revisited my email. Then read the BBC website. Five minutes passed. I was going to have to move in thirty seconds. I took a few deep breaths, stood up and, with my head bowed, moved towards the door. Suddenly I heard an excited female voice, "Jonathan Lee!" My heart leapt. I spun around. There, standing in front of me, was my old English teacher. "I thought it was you," she said, "I was looking at you from over here trying to work out whether it was you or not! How are you?"

I, not for the first time today, have a problem. You see, I want to write something about an Unicorn. Or should that be a Unicorn?

The only thing I remember learning on the road to achieving an A for English Language at GCSE - apart from the fact that I would quite like to stay behind one day and get to know Miss. Booth better - was that if a word begins with a vowel it should be preceded by the word AN and not simply A. (Assuming you want to use A or AN that is. If you just want to say 'THE unicorn' then this doesn't really apply to you). The problem is that 'AN unicorn' or 'AN utility room' sounds rather silly. How I have gone nearly 26 years without thinking about this before is no doubt testament to the fact that I rarely bring talk of unicorns or utility rooms to the table. I like to think myself more exciting than that. Obviously, I prefer to blog about it on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

But now I have thought about it. And it's very annoying. My research leads me to understand that the correct rule is borne out of pronunciation. If a word, such as Unicorn, sounds like it begins with a consonant then you use A. If a word, such as Umbrella, sounds like it begins with a vowel then you use AN. I know what you are thinking. Doesn't 'Unicorn' sound like it begins with a vowel though, i.e.: U? Oh, don't be so silly. Unicorn obviously sounds like it begins with a consonant, 'Yew'. And thus, that is why we should use A.

So what about 'Hour'? Well, we all say AN hour because it sounds as it if starts with 'Ow'. A vowel. With me so far? Good. So what about 'M.O.T'? We use AN because M sounds like 'Em'. And I thought French was a stupid language.

Right, as you were. My work here is done.

NB: I don't want to write about a Unicorn at all. I just needed a decent hook.