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Forty years ago we put man on the moon. I use the word 'we' in the loosest possible term. I personally had very little to do with it, not being born and all that. I like to think however, that – had I graced the planet – I would have stowed away on Apollo 11, nipped out before Buzz Aldrin could say, 'After you Neil,' and planted the Union Jack in a moon dune. British ingenuity etc etc.

But that's another story. This story is more black and white. Call me a fantasist if you wish, but if we can put man on the moon then why the hell can we not get a bloody cow to move off a train line? In the list of things mankind should be doing did we just miss that one off? Surely it should have fallen somewhere between 'Invent telephone' and 'Equality for members of the opposite sexual gender to men (ie: women)'.* So what happened? Did the fire alarm go off at the 1883 Things Mankind Should Do This Year meeting? Did Alexander Graham Bell get a call from his wife and have to dash off? Or more simply, did the wick run out? Now I like the telephone. I like cars. I like the Dyson Ball. I like Snickers bars. All great ideas. All perfectly executed. What I don't like is being detoured to Wales because Daisy the poxy cow has wandered out of her field and no sod knows how to move her. So here is my contribution to the 2009 Things Mankind Should Do This Year list. Next to 'Stop cows getting on train lines', I would like the following added. Build a fence.

*I am not sexist. This is just how I imagine the gentlemen of the day went about discussing such trivial matters.

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  1. My suggestion: Reinstate those bull-bars that they had on old American trains and just plough through the cows.

    Marc would probably say 'abolish cows'

  2. There is a problem with the bull-bars Simon. They are too wide to fit in the train shed door.