You have caught me at a good time. This will be the highlight of my day. Usually it would be seeing my children on Father's Day but the wife has run off with the milkman and taken them with her.
When I was younger I thought Australians must walk around upside down. I now realise this was a stupid thing to believe as the world is in fact flat.
I love it when you call. Unless I'm in the toilet.
I can't stand it when people look like they don't care. Even if you don't care at least look like you do. It'll make me feel a whole lot better. I'm thinking Steven Gerard in an England kit here.
The last time I got stuck in a traffic jam I was on the bus as there was a tube strike. I sat next to a man who was hopefully on his way home to have a shower.
Elvis Presley came before Elvis Costello, which is just as well because Blue Hawaii wouldn't have been half the film with Costello as the lead.
No one will ever convince me that Davina McCall is anything other than a very annoying woman who still thinks she is sixteen.
The difference between being funny and being boring is your choice of audience.
Last night would have been a whole lot better if I had not lost my oyster card and dropped my kebab on the floor as soon as I had bought it.
The one piece of advice I will offer you is this. Believe in yourself. If you don't believe in yourself then why should anyone else. Oh, and don't eat your kebab if you have just dropped it on the floor.
There is nothing I like more than watching the French riot about the price of edam cheese.
In five years time this will be on page 524 of your blog.
I want to thank my Mum for teaching me how to iron bed sheets. I have impressed many a girl with this talent over the years. Especially when their boyfriend is due back in the next ten minutes.
When I've finished this I will make my breakfast and read the Sunday Times.
