Jolly Interesting Stuff™

"You are like an oven. When I turn you on, you get hot."

Discovered: Sunday 5th October 2009

Location: Twitter

Circumstances: Brian McIntosh sharing his best chat-up lines with the world.

Excuse(s): There aren't any.

Consequence(s): 1 - Mirth all round. 2 - Much ridicule. 3 - Posted on a popular blog.

Positive(s): None for Brian. Constant source of laughter for everyone else.

Action to take next time: Don't talk to girls.

NB: Please see this post and comments for the first six things you should never say to a woman.

"Wow. You've got evil eyes!"

Today, much to my embarrassment, I visited what can only be described as a pornographic website. I know this because, although I didn't stay on the page for long, I caught glimpse of the title, 'Hot, Wet & Willing', and a lady with none too many clothes on. She also had a sponge. To be fair to the lady, she was taking the sensible course of action. If you are hot, taking your top off has to be a good idea. Sponging yourself down with a soapy sponge is also to be applauded. But not when you are being snapped for a website that I am going to click on in an internet cafe.

I have never experienced such a scenario before. Having the internet at home (and a door), means that I never find the need to go to an internet cafe. But today was different. I needed to check my emails. I am expecting something very important. Sadly, upon opening my inbox, the very important something I am expecting wasn't there. With ten minutes still to use of my paid-for internet time, I headed over to my twitter account. I am sure you are aware that last night a dust storm hit Sydney. There are some great pictures out there. All orangey in colour. This is really when twitter comes into its own. It allows me (and you) to look at what people in Sydney are saying and allows us to look at their photos. That is exactly what I wanted to to. A simple click of the button lets me see all the Sydney-siders, many of them were linking to their photos. I clicked on a few. They were good. Then I clicked on another one. This is when I saw, 'Hot, Wet & Willing'. Some very clever person had written, '#Sydney. Look at my pics. (weblink)'. I was always going to click wasn't I?

I sat there for a few seconds, terrified of looking around. Had anyone seen me? I could feel the blood rushing to my face and a trickle of sweat running down my arm. Maybe if I just sat here for an hour, everyone would leave? I tried to pretend that nothing had happened. I revisited my email. Then read the BBC website. Five minutes passed. I was going to have to move in thirty seconds. I took a few deep breaths, stood up and, with my head bowed, moved towards the door. Suddenly I heard an excited female voice, "Jonathan Lee!" My heart leapt. I spun around. There, standing in front of me, was my old English teacher. "I thought it was you," she said, "I was looking at you from over here trying to work out whether it was you or not! How are you?"

Bit of a shocker from Mr Jolly this week I am afraid. The Jolly made four tackles (one - a solo effort) during the game, but his most telling contribution came in the second quarter when he collided with his teammate, Nick Collins. Collins suffered a clavicle sprain in the incident and had to leave the game. Oh, and the Green Bay Packers lost. I'm hoping for better from The Jolly in Week Three. Hike!

Thanks to Marc Fearns for the post title.

If you were here last week you may have read about the man who was - rather cleverly in my opinion - invoicing companies for the time he spent interacting with their brand. You can read the original post here. I - rather cleverly in many people's opinion - decided to send a counter invoice. The other day he replied. Though sadly he did not include a cheque. Amongst other things he said:

Today's rather bizarre email comes from timerepentance@yahoo.com. Such a good email address that it managed to get passed my spam filter and into my inbox. I actually have no idea what to make of it. Usually I am asked for bank details and addresses and my date of birth. This asks for none of that though. They even spelt my name correctly. So is this Julia John on a revenge mission or is it actually genuine?

What should I do? What should I say? What will they say, Monday at school? (Sorry. I had an urge to quote John Travolta there. I am not really going to school on Monday. If I did I would probably get arrested).

Dear Jonathan,

RE: REQUESTING FOR ASSISTANCE

I would like to ask for the above mentioned subject. I am Pastor Albert Mpende Founder of Time Of Repenting and Deliverance Ministry (TIRDEM).

On 24th Night of August, 2009 I had dreams where I head a voice from some-one who mentioned about your name and what you are doing on earth.

The 25th day of August, 2009 I logged in on the website where I got your name and what you are doing. I have learnt everything on what you are doing, that’s why I am interested to work with you.

Briefly time of repenting is a local faith based registered non-governmental organization operating in Malawi especially in the following areas:

● Encourage Christians to trust in God

● Assist People to repent and be delivered.

● Take care of orphaned children

● Assist vulnerable (especially widows, aged) and counsel for HIV AIDS affected and infected people.

I would like to therefore ask you in the name of Jesus if you can accept to work with us and support us in either ways.

There is a lot that we can share with you that is happening in Malawi and we can also send you a DVD of some of the achievements that we have managed.

I am wishing you a long life and blessed days.

Yours faithfully,

Pastor Albert Mpende.

Have I caught you at a good time? Sure. We're just watching a Mark Ramprakash batting masterclass.

So what's your usual Sunday routine? Beating the Aussies. Winning the Ashes. Having a beer. In the ice bath.

Five years ago did you think you'd be where you are now? Yes. Well, all of us except Ravi Bop.

Where will you be in five years? Some of us will have retired. Some of us will have just beaten Pakistan by six wickets. Ian Bell will be trying to nail that number three spot.

What's your motto in life? Scare the living daylights out of England supporters the world over. Then win.

I have 24 hours in your hometown. What should I do? Our home town is England. You should go to every County Cricket ground and buy a scorecard for 50p. At the interval you should run onto the field and get your scorecard signed by someone who will be working in accountancy in three years. Or even better, one of the players.

You've got thirty minutes in the kitchen. What are you going to knock up? We're not. We have a Cook.

You've just won £10 on the lottery. Spend or save? We'll put it towards paying for the repairs to the replica Urn Freddie just sat on.

What can't your friends/family understand about you? How we always get green stains on our whites even though we haven't dived around in the field.

What are you currently obsessed with? MBEs, OBEs, Knighthoods, Open Top Buses, Ruth Strauss.

What should we all be doing more of? Talking to Aggers, Nasser and Athers.

And finally, when you go to bed tonight, are you looking forward to Monday morning? Bed?

NB: Most of these questions were asked when they were inebriated.

I'm busy. That's why I haven't been around. But here is a photo I took for you recently. I like to show my rebellious side from time to time. I'm not all about tea and cake you know.

Another week, another piece of propaganda (via the large owl). I have no idea what the large owl is actually about. But I don't think the owl does either.

It's amazing what you find when you type Jonathan Lee into Google Images. I do believe this is the same person at the various stages of their life.

I have been challenged to a Wii Tennis Match. A huge mistake on his part. He might be sponsored by Irn Bru, but my serve is bigger than A-Rod's. No contest.

One day this August - quite possibly a Wednesday - I will finish writing my book. It's been an arduous process. One that has been a whole lot harder than I had anticipated. I must be on my thirtieth version by now. I don't really know. I have both stopped counting and stopped caring. In truth the thing has been written for a while. The last few months have been spent editing it. Chapters have been chopped, merged, updated and vapourised.

I like my friends. Especially the ones that send me things. (That is a hint right there for you). This morning my journalist/cartoonist friend Emily sent me something she had been working on since last September. I can only assume the reason it took so long is because she moved to Sydney last October and has since been fighting off surfer boys who keep calling her Sheila and offering her Milo. If you want to find out more about Emily then I strongly suggest you check back here on Sunday.

Yes, sorry, I've been away. That's why there was no Sixty Seconds with.../The Sunday Sixty with.../Move Out Of The Way Jonathan, I'm... yesterday. It might be back on August 2nd. Then again it might not. I know that sounds like I have adopted a French attitude towards it - laissez-faire - but c'est le vie as the Senegalese say. So I hope you had something else to read yesterday. I certainly did. My Mum had saved me every Ashes related newspaper article since 1973. That's why Mums go to Iceland are great.