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"Wow. You've got evil eyes!"
Discovered: Friday 26th September 2009
Location: The Bedford, Balham
Circumstances: Girl standing next to me was staring into my brain.
Excuse(s): 1- Not sober. 2 - It was true.
Consequence(s): 1 - Verbal abuse. 2 - Harmed Anglo-Cuban relations. 3 - Forced to down some alcoholic concoction that contained Sambuca and Absinthe.
Positive(s): 1 - Free Drink.
Action to take next time: Advise her to invest in a pair of large sunglasses.

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Ali Bajwa
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  1. Number one in a series of how many?

  2. Things You Should Never Say To A Woman - Number Two.

    "Why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and sit down?"

    Discovered: c1958
    Location: A Manchester Pub
    Circumstances: My Father and some friends were playing a darts match that was frequently interrupted by the other customers wandering about in a busy pub. A rather hefty woman walked in front of one of the players as he was trying to take a crucial shot.
    Excuse(s) 1 - Not sober. 2 - Exasperation.
    Consequence(s): 1 - A punch in the face from the hefty woman. 2 - Loss of consciousness. 3 - Ridicule(much).
    Positive(s): 1- Years of entertainment for my father and the other un-punched players.
    Action to take next time: Advise her to diet.

  3. @Sarah: Hopefully just one. Actually no, I have just remembered another. So there will be two. Unless you can think of any?

    @Marc: I knew you were older than 40. I feel a new blog coming on.

  4. If you base it on something similar to emailsfromcrazypeople.com and have contributers upload their things you should never say to a woman via a comments form that requires them to fill all of the elements (Location, Consequences etc.)in, you could have a very interesting website, without the need to contribute much content yourself.

  5. Sounds like too much hard work, Marc. I therefore give you the rights to create said website.

  6. Superb. These both made me laugh a lot.

    I can add the following to the cannon of knowledge of things never to say to a woman.

    “Is you sister really more dull than you or is that just not possible”
    Discovered: 1997
    Location: A pub in St Andrews, Fife

    Circumstances: I had endured a term of stories presented as being fascinating and exciting, in realty they were dull tales of life in Aberfeldy, mostly involving horse riding. She was preparing us for her sisters visit the next day by explaining that in comparison to her sibling she was the life and soul of the party.

    Excuse(s) 1 – Really not sober. 2 – Boredom following months of dull stories.

    Consequence(s): 1 –Having a most of a pint thrown over me. 2 – Loss of the pint for drinking purposes. 3 – Damage to a really rather nice shirt. 4 – Damage to Anglo-Scottish relations.

    Positive(s): 1- I didn’t have to meet the sister (which was very much on the cards) 2 – I never heard any more dull stories about horse-riding in Aberfeldy (or anything else for that matter).

    Action to take next time: Wait till you’ve met the sister and then compliment the first woman on how interesting and fun she is.

  7. I can't think of any at the moment. Will let you know if I remember anything.

  8. Things You Should Never Say To A Woman - Number Four.

    "I'm not really keen on it, do you still have the blue one?"

    Discovered: December 1997
    Location: My then girlfriend's bedroom.
    Circumstances:I was asked my opinion on the dress that she intended to wear to the Christmas Ball, ten minutes before we were due to leave.
    Excuse(s) 1 - I'm very honest.
    Consequence(s): 1 - I attended the 1997 Christmas Ball without a date.
    Positive(s): 1 - I was able to spend time with friends. 2 - I was able to break wind without apologising. 3 - I still don't get asked my opinion on dresses.
    Action to take next time: Like the green one, no matter how inferior it is to the blue one.

  9. Things You Should Never Say To A Woman - Number 5

    "Yes, you look ill"

    Discovered: November 2005
    Location: University Halls Corridor
    Circumstances: A friend, upon being asked by me how she was, replied that she was not feeling particularly well.
    Excuse(s) 1 - I was being honest. 2 - It was true, she did look ill.
    Consequence(s): 1 - Much merriment amongst the present males. 2 - Tongue lashing from assorted female compatriots.
    Positive(s): None really.
    Action to take next time: Lie through my teeth - tell her she looks a picture of health - in order to then be told that I'm lying and not to be sarcastic.

  10. I am worried that this is becoming one of my most popular comment threads. I thought Man was better than this.

  11. Things You Should Never Say To A Woman - Number Six

    "Well, not anymore he doesn't, he's dead."

    Discovered: Late 2007
    Location: My old flat in Crystal Palace
    Circumstances: Having a discussion with my flatmate about her dog. I found out he had been run over some years previously. Flatmate said something along the lines of, 'He loves running around the garden'.
    Excuse(s) 1 - I was trying to be amusing.
    Consequence(s): 1 - She stared at me, looked a bit shocked, then left the room. 2 - I felt a bit uncomfortable.
    Positive(s): 1 - I could change the TV channel.
    Action to take next time: Don't comment on photos of dogs that may be on the mantel piece.

  12. Things You Should Never Say To A Woman - Number Seven

    "Piss off, Hitler!"

    Discovered: Two hours ago.
    Location: The upstairs landing.
    Circumstances: My wife was attempting to comedy-slap me on the forehead with her right hand. I anticipated this and stepped backwards to avoid her hand. This left her standing with her right arm fully outstretched in what could have been interpreted as a Nazi salute.
    Excuse(s) 1 - It was funny.
    Consequence(s): 1 - She poked her tongue out. 2 - She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead.
    Positive(s): 1 - I was able to ascertain what flavour squash she had been drinking from the colour of her tongue. 2 - She ignored me for five minutes and spoke to the cat instead.
    Action to take next time: I'm not sure yet. "Piss off, Goebbels?"

  13. That's brilliant Marc. Though is actually Number Eight as 'Bri and his oven line' became number seven. There is one thing though. What kind of squash was it?