My Dear Jon,
Many thanks for your quick response. I have accepted your offer.
It bodes well that speed impresses you. I knew you'd see sense girl. Although, I must tell you that during the night I decided that to invest 20% in a tea plantation was probably not the wisest move I have ever made, so instead I am going to open my own Blockbuster Video store. I trust this is still okay?
I need your help to stand as my trustee for transferring the money to your bank acount for investment project. As I told you in my earlier mail, I am staying in the mission and I haven't a personal telephone to be reached but if you wish to hear my sweet voice, you can reach me through the office telephone number of the Mission co-ordinator office. His name is Rev. Fr. Agustin Fawah and his office telephone number is +22678445168. If you call tell him that you want to speak with Julia John Garang am staying in Block 17C female hostel.
That's lovely stuff. I'll give you a bell tonight depending on what time I get back from my run. Is his surname pronounced for-war or for-ar? I can not believe you are staying in block 17C! Do you know Dolly Roger Parton?! She and I go way back. If you find her she'll probably give you my bank details as I gave them to her last year. Just waiting for her to transfer the $7.3 million into my account. Oh, and give me the rest of my money back. Silly woman took it out by mistake. Can you believe it?! Don't worry though. I will spend this money on you.
The reason while I ask you to contact the bank as my trustee is because I have contacted the bank on my arrival to clear the money but the branch manager of the bank whom I met in person told me that my status as a refugee does not authorize me to transfer the money. He advised me to seek for some one who will represent me and transfer the money into his or her bank account.
Yes, we've been through this before. Don't you remember? You told me you wanted to amputate one of his legs and I said give him a slap in the chops.? Have you found the chops yet? I am afraid I will not be able to go on until you have found the chops.
I wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but am afriad that she will not release the money to me after clearing the money because after the death of my parent she and my uncle arrange seceretly and sold my father's estate in Monaco.
Ah, that's too bad. Did your fathers estate have a good view of the Grand Prix circuit? Never fear young lady, when I have all your money we can buy a boat and go and park next to David Coulthard. You'll like him.
They shared the money among themselves and when I confronted them my uncle told me that the tradition and custom of our land does not entitle me to share assets of my father as a single young girl. Ever then they have been maltreating me and even made arrangement to assassinate me because of the demand for my share of the money from the sales of the hotel.
I thought you lived in an orphanage? Do your stepmother and uncle make special trips to maltreat you? My advice would be to lower your demand for the share of the hotel (not sure where this hotel has just popped up from mind you but that is hardly critical at this stage, there is a young girl's life at stake - yours). I should probably warn you that there is a sniper behind you on the left. That's right, the funny looking guy in Starbucks.
I want you to help me because you are God sent and you will never regret for helping me.
No I'm not. You googled me. And don't be so arrogant. Your tea-making abilities will determine whether I regret it or not.
Please send me your full contact information which include:
Your full name:
Contact address:
Telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your photos to see you:
I've left all this information in a brown envelope with your name on the front. You will find it if you follow these simple instructions. Turn left, right, left, left, left again, now right and right again. Bend over. Smile. Think of Burkina Faso. Slide your right arm under the rug of mystery and pull hard. I hope the photos are okay and not to racy for a young girl's eyes. I took the liberty of signing a couple. Please pin them up around your dorm.
As soon as I receive the above information, I will give you the contact of the bank were my father deposited the money. And you will contact the bank as my trustee and ask them to transfer the money into your bank account for investment project. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send some amount to me to process my traveling documents which I will use to come and settle in your country and further my academic studies.
I shall. But I am afraid I will not be paying for your travel documents. You must pay for these by yourself. How will you ever stand on your own two feet if I pay for everything? And nor will you be furthering your academic studies here. You will be working in Pizza Hut. Which actually is just as good an education.
Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply. Below are my detail and photos.
Very nice. Are you sure you are 24 though? You look about 14. And are you pregnant?
Yours truly,
Julia.
My full name: Julia John Garang
Contact address: Female Block C17, All Saints Mission, 09 BP 5251101 Ouahigouya 09, Burkina Faso.
Telephone numbers to be reached: (+226) 78445168 It is the mission ofiice telephone incase if you call tell tell Reverend Agustin Fawah you want to speak with me.
My age: 24
Occupation: Student
Marital Status: Single
My Nationality: Sudanese
About the Author
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- Jonathan
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- Known to some as Jon and others as Jonathan, I'm freelance copywriter, creative and designer. I produce innovative and commercially driven concepts that promote your business and products to stakeholders and customers alike.
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Only two emails and she's already calling you 'my dear Jon'. Moving fast isn't it. Shame she no longer has that place in Monaco.
ReplyDelete"I am afraid I will not be able to go on until you have found the chops" may well be one of the funniest lines I have ever read. Look, I'm even quoting it like an idiot.
ReplyDeleteYes Simon. It's a travesty. Not having the place in Monaco is also a nuisance.
ReplyDeletePeople who quote me are not idiots Marc. They are my groupies.
I don't understand. Is there a difference?
ReplyDeleteJon, is Julia John one of your groupies? After all she did say you were a gift from God.
ReplyDeleteWhen you put it like that, probably not Marc.
ReplyDeleteHave I ever said I was a Gift From God, Simon? If I have then yes, Julia John is a groupie. If I haven't then no, Julia John has a way to go.
These emails are beyond brilliant. Quite possibly the funniest things I have read. Absolutely fanbloodytastic.
ReplyDeleteAnd what did you think of my replies Brian?
ReplyDeletethese are genius!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat ever your name may be Jon Or Jonathan you are a big fool and a BASTARD IDIOT. Within a few day you will jam your water loo
ReplyDeleteI WANT TO MADE IT KNOWN TO YOU DIOT JON OR JONATHAN THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU NEVER ACHIEVE ANY GOAL IN LIFE. IF YOU WISH NOT TO HELP THE GIRL THEN WHY ARE YOU DISCLOSING HER SECERET. WHAT THE YOUNG GIRL SAID IS REAL AND GENUINE. SO YOU JUST GEEDY OF HER INHERITANCE THAT IS THE CONCLUSION AND GOD WILL SEE YOU SOON ON THAT
ReplyDeleteNo Jean. I will not jam my water loo. I will jam to Dancing Queen. Abba are great though aren't they?
ReplyDeleteMy name is not 'Jon or Jonathan' you plank. It's Jonathan. You can shorten it to Jon if you wish.
I made an offer to this girl that she has not replied to yet. So before you start blaming me I suggest you look closer to home. And what secret have I disclosed? Is it the chops?