I want to offer you some advice. In these politically correct times you should be very careful not to offend with a careless choice of cocktail. Last night, for instance, I buy two White Russians. One for myself and the other to make it look like I am with someone. I sit at the bar and watch aghast as the Americans to my left turn away disgusted. I look down at my drink. What was I doing?! I finish it quickly and click my fingers at the barman. He gives me the V-sign. "Two Manhattans please." The barman places the new drinks on two new serviettes. I look to my left. The Americans have turned back towards me and are smiling. I smile too. Better, much better.

But then I feel a tap on my right shoulder. I spin around to be confronted by a man. A man with one hand poised on then empty stool next to me. He's Russian! Don't look at my drinks, I plead silently. But he does. And he doesn't look impressed. There are two Manhattans and one White Russian. The man walks away, cursing and stool-less. I quickly finish my Manhattan and order a still water.

My friend, Mike, arrives back from his smoke, "Two cocktails?" he asks. "Correct," I reply, assuring him that he hasn't lost the touch when it comes to counting. Mike begins to pick up his Manhattan. "No, no, no!" I exclaim, alarmed at his lack of savvy. I grab four straws and put two in each of his drinks, "Together! You must drink them together!" So he does. And for two minutes everyone in the bar loves him, but only I know that it's really down to me.

Oh, and politically correct hangovers? They don't exist.