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About a month ago the BBC told me I was a lesbian. Not in so many words of course; we are talking about the BBC here. They can't be seen to swing one way or the other. But they certainly indicated I was a lesbian. Basically they told me - not through the voice of Fiona Bruce but that is how I like to remember it – that I think like a woman. Quite how they have to audacity to suggest such a thing when they employee Alan Carr as a man, is anyone's guess. But the fact remains that they did.

Taking that on board, I can do the maths. Think like a woman + fancy a woman (please note the lack of a plural) = lesbian. You can't think like a woman and fancy women and be straight. That's called denial. And I can't think like a woman and fancy women because I'll get told off.

Anyway, the point of this post is to warn all men - who are in fact lesbians – not to brag about it. Upon discovering that I was a lesbian, I may have shouted about it quite a lot. I'm not sure why. I guess at the time it felt exciting. Now though, it doesn't feel quite so good. In fact, since those joyous scenes in the pub, there have been consequences. And they are not great. The woman I fancy now calls me Mylene, ING Direct have sent me a highly effeminate eco-friendly shopping bag and my Mum has put potpourri in my bedroom. (I know what you are thinking, 'You're a 26 year old bloke and you still live with your Mum?!' No I'm not actually. I'm a 26 year-old male lesbian who has just returned to the parental home for Easter. So there).

The really worrying thing is, I didn't even tell my Mum that Fiona Bruce had come to see me. Nor has my Mum mentioned my new approach to life in the few hours I have been back in Gloucestershire. So either she's just picked up on signals via very recent phone calls, or, even more disturbing, she has known for years. What a horrendous thing to have to live with. (The knowledge that her eldest son is a lesbian, not her eldest son per se). Has she told my Dad? Does my brother know? Is it hereditary? Is my brother a lesbian too? Let's be honest about this, if anyone had to guess which of the two of us was a lesbian, nearly all would say my brother. He's the hairy one.

So all in all, I'm very confused. I pay my license fee so that I can enjoy Spooks on a Monday night, not so I spend the whole hour wondering if Ros is too butch for me. (She's not is she?)

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  1. and I've been a male lesbian for a very long time. In the sense that I meet feisty, intelligent, attractive women who I get on with like a house on fire, and it only gradually dawns on me that they're lesbians. Of course, this is after I meet their friends who are equally feisty, intelligent, attractive etc.

  2. Perhaps you should just ask them as and when you meet them? It'll probably save you a lot of hassle. Let me know how you get on.