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If you can think back to 2009, you may remember that I had a burgeoning relationship with a young lady from Sudan called Julia John. Yes, she was the one who wanted to come and live with me and give me lots of money. Then she dumped me. Cow. Well it turns out that she must still have a place for me in her heart because today I received this. It's uncanny.

Hello Dear

Did Julia John not tell you? It's Dear Jon or Dear Mr Lee. Forgetting the name is particularly damaging to my ego. A less secure man may think you're sending this to all the boys.

I presume this letter will come to you as a surprise, but as things unfold, we will know each other better, I apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a Certified mail/Post-mail. This is due to the urgency and importance of the information.

And the fact that you don't have my Certified mail/Post-mail address. Which I assume is some fancy description for my address? You are right though. This letter does come to me as a surprise. But also a disappointment. I have run out of enlargement pills and am looking for offers.

This project is based on Trust, confidentiality and sincerity of purpose in order to have an acceptable meeting of the minds. I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret it. I also know you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of us.

Right, firstly I am concerned about this being called a 'project'. That smacks of hard work to me. I don't have the time for hard work. I have blogs to write and cricket to watch and sleep to sleep. I am also a little perplexed by your use of a capital 'T' in the word trust. Is Trust a place? Do I need to go there? Are you coming? I can't do Friday. There are also many ways of having an acceptable meeting of minds. I prefer the method by which I say something and you nod. Rest assured I shall not betray this trust, but you need to be aware that I do expose myself on occasions. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it.

My name is Eliza Batista Tagme Na Waie a 23 years old female from the Republic of Guinea Bissau, the daughter of Late General Batista Tagme Na Waie. My late father was the chief of staff of the army of Guinea-Bissau. On March 1, 2009, My late father was killed in a bomb attack when the military's headquarters were attacked. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target. You can read more about my father in the bbc link below. http://www.welt.de/english-news/article3300063/General-Na-Wai-killed-in-government-building-attack.html or http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7918792.stm

I am pleased to meet your acquaintance Eliza Batista Tagme Na Waie. That's quite a mouthful. One day you may say that to me. With all due respect your father sounds like he got what he deserved. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but he had been sleeping around. Do you know how many of his daughters are sending emails like this? A lot. A lot. I suspect this is why he was killed. Probably by your mother. Or her mother. Or hers. Or hers. Or hers. You get the idea. He was a slut.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 4.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin.

I think you need to look on the bright side of life a bit more. Yes your stepmother slapped you around a bit and she stole your international passport, but so what? You have a file, a domestic passport and US$4.7 Million. That's pretty good going for 23 years of age. Do you know how useful a file can be? Incidentally, my ex, Julia John also stayed in the Mission in Burkino Faso. I have often wondered if she's still there. Perhaps you could go and look for me? I just want to know that she is still miserable and lonely. Thanks.

I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Quite why you felt it necessary to contact Bank is beyond me. It really is the most complex of tube stations. You really should have started with Sloane Square. But I admire your Dunkirk spirit. Which Branch Manager was it anyway? I am very good friends with the Bakerloo Branch Manager. He lets me play with his train set on Sundays. He even shuts down the entire line for me. Anyway, I digress. I note you need a trustee who will stand for you. May I ask, do you have no legs or are you just very fat? The answer to this question will determine whether I help you or not. I need to work out how hard it would be for me to run away from you.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

You're quite a confident girl. I like that. Though I imagine when we meet I may go a bit quiet and ignore you. This is nothing personal. I just have a fascination with walls. I really must point out though, that at no point did I indicate my interest in helping you. You sent me the email. So stop trying to twist everything and make me seem like the the desperate one. I am not. Though I am interested in the money so I'll help. However, for what you want me to do, I really feel I am worth more than 20%. You are coming to live with me after all. I need at least 75%. Any less and we'll have to leave Fulham for Hammersmith. This would not be healthy. As for investing in profitable ventures of my choice, well my choice is films about buses. Rock on.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

I look forward to hearing from you. I am very excited about us. What details are you going to give me? Do you have a photo? Or an Oyster card? Where do you keep your Oyster card? Do you like Oysters? I quite like jam now. Strawberry. Oh, we are going to have so much fun.

Yours sincerely,
Eliza Batista Tagme.

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